Wow...*gives you a big hug* it's been a long while since I showed myself around these parts. The last time was Nov '14. Thanks for checking in on me...
In the last few days, I had been lurking, reading a lot of what I had posted and wondered if anyone would come around if I started to write again. Had it been too long? Would anyone even care? Then I realized I lost sight of why I started this in the first place. I started it for ME. It was a place to let my feelings out, to share things I love and talk about experiences. I forgot people started to come around because they valued what I had to say even though at times, I didn't think that myself. Now, over a year has passed and I'm sitting here writing this, hoping I have the guts to post this on my birthday. If you're seeing this, I got the courage to come out of my hermit cave and yes, today (May27th) marks my 40th year of existence!
This may seem like a bunch of excuses for why I haven't talked to you in a long time but I went through some huge/tough changes. The office I worked for closed down in early 2015 after 20 years of working there and I was unemployed for a while. Kind of a bummer, right? Well, it was a little blessing in disguise because my Papa took ill in the summer and was in the hospital for nearly 2 months. I was able to be there with him every day, most days almost 12 hours a day. It was an extremely tough time for all of us and unfortunately on Aug 25th, papa left to join mama in heaven. He passed just days before their 53rd wedding anniversary on Sept 8. His heart ached so much ever since she passed in 2009 that my siblings and I take comfort saying he wanted to be with her so they can celebrate their anniversary together.
It's been tough. I've struggled with grief, depression and anxiety. I've lost friends in the process as well but I've managed okay, I think. Leaning on the friends and family I do have has definitely helped but I work on trying to get better and motivate myself. Losing my mama took a lot out of me and I've written about that many times here. It was a long process and just when I started to feel more like myself, like all the pieces of me that fell apart when she left were coming back together, they were shattered again when my papa passed. I may not have shown it outwardly but inside, I was a mess and still am at times. Why am I sharing so much of myself here? Two reasons:
- I don't want it to take as long as it did to put myself back together again. This is me vowing to uplift myself somehow, even if it's a small thing, every day. It could be something as simple as being there for someone in need or changing negative thoughts to positive.
- An underlying thing about writing here is my hope someone will see what I've been going through and learn something from it. Maybe you'll learn something new about me or you start to understand you aren't alone when it comes grief, depression and anxiety and that if you are currently dealing with all or any of those things, there is nothing to be ashamed of!
Phew! That was getting pretty emotional for a bit there. Sorry, just wanted to get you up to speed! I promise not all things posted here will be as heavy! I've got lots of fun stuff planned for my birthday so I'm thinking my next post will be about that! Until then, thanks for visiting and thanks for sticking by me all these years! Chat soon! xo
*****
I will end this with a note Papa wrote on Facebook for my birthday in 2014. I rediscovered it not long after I wrote this post and I cried my eyes out. He had this thing that he did...he'd pounce on me at the stroke of midnight on my birthday and give me a huge bear hug. This is the first year I'm without that, without him. I miss him terribly but reading this made my heart so full.
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